The Quantum Chicken Revelation
[/b][/size]
Scientists discover tiny chickens playing foozball on the surface of Soduim Chlorate molecules from their caf?'s salt shaker.
[/b][/size]
LOS ALAMOS- Scientists at the Los Alamos Nuclear Research Facility announced today taht they have discovered not only a new type of subatomic particle, but also a new life form and the explenation for all the "missing matter" in the universe. The new particle, temporarily dubbed the "Fooz", and the new creature, dubbed the "Quantum Chicken", together explain many of the universe's mysteries.
They were discovered quite by accident when a young scanning electron microscope (SEM) technician named Fred Nelson, who was eating french fries while preparing a new specimem. In his own words:
"I like my fries heavily salted, and i was a bit behind on my work schedule. So after getting a order of french fries from the cafe, i quickly poured massive amounts of salt on them, so it almost looked like it had snowed. Then i ran back to the lab to prepare my next specimen, a turtle-dung chip. I was eating while i prepared it, and i tied to be neat about it but i guess a few crystals dropped onto the turtle-dung chip.
"After we put the dung in and started getting some preliminary images, we saw something on the dung we hadn't expected. There were little crystaline dots all over its surface, but these seemed to be changing in shape even as we watched. Maybe now i should explain that we were using probably the absolute most powerful electron microscope in the world, with the ability to resolve individual atoms rather clearly. So, when we saw these dots, we decided to zoom in on them. Once we got a close up of one, we saw that it was just a salt crystal, and immediately everyone looked at me, then my empty dish of french fries. On their struggle to strangle me, some must have hit the "zoom way the fuck in" button, because the next thing we saw on the screen shocked us all.
"Right there, standing on one of the neutrons of a sodium atom was quite obviously a very, very, very small chicken. Actually, there were two of them. One on either side of a table. but they still weren't very clear, so someone pressed the "zoom all the fucking way in" button, and then we saw it clearly.
"There were two miniature chickens, one on either side of a tabe. a table with handles sticking out either side, a little hole at each end, a little lip around the edge, and bars across the top with little figures on the bars. 'Are you seeing what i'm seeing?;' asked someone, and i responded 'If you're seeing two chickens playing foozball on the surface of a sodium atom, yes, we're seeing the same thing.' After that, we all looke at each other, looks of disbelief, shock, and revelation on our faces. Then someone laughed, and we all busted up. We just couldn't stop laughing for about 10 minutes.
"Then someone came back to their scientific senses and said 'Wait. We need to double check this. Switch over to a different atom.' Well, we moved to the side a bit, then up, then all around. On every single sodium atom we looked at, there were tiny chickens playing foozball. We took many, many pictures cataloging them."
After running several tests, they found that the Quantum Chickens have no mass, the tables have no mass, but the actaully fooz balls have a great deal of mass. They weigh a little over twice as much as a neutron and seem to obey all known laws of physics and make for some rather interesting foozball matches.
The Quantum Chickens, on the other hand, appear to be highly evolved and intelligent. Although they have no mass, they somehow manage to spin the foozball table handles with their wings, and some matches have been seen to last well over two hours. They also get really pissed of when we try to extract the foozball for analysis, giving use the "middle feather" and holding up signs demanding we reuturn the ball or they will make sure Britney Spears, The Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC and J-Lo all team up and release a top hit song of them all singing "Imagine". We promptly returned their foozballs
From what we have gathered about the tiny foozballs, which have been come to be known as "foozes", if there is indeed one on every single sodium atom, then they account for practically all of the "missing matter" in the universe, and we belive the chickens might be the threads that actually hold the universe together.
Fred Nelson is feeling father sick after he realized that he just ate millions upon millions of tiny chickens.
