War of jokes!

[Destructo]

With all these recent war threads, and constat arguments and bad comments, i though tI would start a war of jokes!!!!

A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a whiskey, which he then throws back in one quick gulp. Immediately he rushes back outside, lifts his horses tail and gives it a huge smacking kiss square on the hole. He then goes back into the bar, and once again the cowboy downs a whuskey, rushes out of the bar, goes to the horse, lifts it's tail and gives it a huge kiss.

By the time he goes back into the bar and orders his third shot, a number of the other patrons are looking at him with a fair bit of intrest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's gong on b4 the cowboy gets to drunk to answer.

"Say partner, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the ass?"

The cowboay, in his best drawl, replies,
"Chapped Lips."

The bartender says with some surprise,
"Oh, does that cure them?"
The cowboys says,
"Nope, but it sure stop me lickin em."

another one....

A man and a women are driving along, arguing about the man's cheating ways, when suddenly she pulls out a knife, cuts his penis off, and throws it out the window. It lands on the windshield of a pickup, then slides off, leaving a trail of blood. Inside the truck are a man and his 8-yera-old daughter.

"What was that?" the girl screams
"Um, it was only a bug, dear" says the man, not wanting to expose her to such a horror at such a tender age.
The girl looks at him, confused and says,
"It sure had a big dick!"

[Jeb-arizona]

How do you make a 5 year old cry...

oh wait i got banned from gameranger for the punchline, nevermind

[|MP|Buccaneer]

Jeb, does it have anything to do with Michael Jackson?

Here's one for ya.

What does Dest's last girlfriend have in common with hockey players?

No, not the teeth.  Not the haircut, it wasn't quite a mullet.

Yep, you guessed it.  They both change their pads after three periods.  =D

Sorry Dest, but I never see you to pick on you anymore.

[Supernatural Pie]

A quote/joke, but still good!


"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"

---Jay Leno

[*NADS Capt. Anarchy]

one of my favorites....

What's the difference between an oral an rectal thermometer?
...the taste.

[jewb.arizona]

the punchline
Take your bloody #@$! out of its @$# and wipe it off on its teddy bear

[Ace]

First, the obligatory sexist joke:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, she has already been told twice.





[ghetto engineering voice]One for me and one for my studying homies[/ghetto engineering voice]

A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer go to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done first and washes his hands. He proceeds to use many paper towels to dry his hands proclaiming, "Lawyers are always very thorough." The accountant gets done, washes his hands, and dries them using only one paper towel. He proudly says, "Accountants don't waste anything unnecessarily." The engineer gets done and walks straight out of the bathroom. Disgusted, the lawyer and accountant ask him why he didn't wash his hands. He replies, "Engineers don't piss on their hands."

[Destructo]

hahaha hAce, the black eye one is fuckin hilarious.

Because I'm italian, I have a good one...

How do you get a bunch of Italians out of the dance bar?
Run in and yell, "Hey Tony! Your iRoc's on fire!"

[|MP|Buccaneer]

Here's one for my Canadian friends.

Three Canadians and three Americans are travelling by train to?a hockey?game.

At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and?watch as the
three?Canadians buy only a single ticket.

"How are the three people going to travel on only one?ticket?" asks an
American.
?
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective?seats but
all?three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door?behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes?around
collecting?tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket
please."
?
The?door?opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The?conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.??So after
the?game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip?and save?some?money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get?to the?station,?they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
?
To their astonishment,?the?Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one?perplexed
American.
?
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a?bathroom and?the?three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the
train?leaves the?station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the?bathroom?where?the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says,?"Ticket please."

[kami]

Don't know if this one fits in as a joke, it's a comic (my fav daily comic) from a Swedish newspaper, translated by me.

Discussion between a turtle named Elvis and his friend Tobbe as they walk down a street.

Tobbe: "What really is the meaning of life?"

Elvis: "To live of course! If you had asked what the meaning of a bike was, the answer would have been to be ridden, a cd to be played, and an icecream to be eaten. More complicated than that, I don't believe it is."

T: "Live...? However you want?"

E: "Otherwise there wouldn't be a point. How fun is it to eat icecream after instructions?"

T: "But, what about all the religions?"

E: "Icecream-instructions."

[Brain]

ok, here's a few that i got in the mail the other day.
<shameless plug>p.s. there is a humor forum over in the mp site if anyone is interested</shameless plug>

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits
partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an
effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to
Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and
said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there." The
third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living
there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm
voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living
there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Consumers:



It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 ALABAMA
EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of ALABAMA.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
the commands. The ALABAMA EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening
screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson
superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ALABAMA EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...........hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the ALABAMA EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer


We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of
the ALABAMA EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.



I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5 min. intermission

[Brain]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"
?
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
?
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually just heard about it and..."
?
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. ?Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
?
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
?
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
?
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was banging his wife.
*******
?
Some of the signs carried by protesters at the recent peace march in DC.
Drunken frat boy drives country into ditch.
Bush/Cheney: Malice in Blunderland
Let's bomb Texas, they have oil too.
How did our oil get under their sand?
If you can't pronounce it, don't bomb it.
Daddy, can I start the war now?
1000 points of light and one dim bulb.
Sacrifice our SUV's, not our children.
Preemptive impeachment.
No George, I said Mac Attack.
It's the stupid economy.
Stop the Bushit.
Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld: the asses of evil.
$1 billion a day to kill people -- what a bargain.
Consume -- Consume -- Bomb -- Bomb -- Consume -- ?Consume
Disarm Bush too.
Big brother isn't coming -- he's already here.
Empires fall.
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind (Gandhi).
Impeach the squatters.
Mainstream white guys for peace. ?(Sign held by three mainstream-looking white guys)
Hans Blix -- look over here.
Let Exxon send their own troops.
Destroy Florida. [It could happen again]
There's a terrorist behind every Bush.
We can't afford to rule the world.
War is so 20th century!
9-11-01: 15 Saudis, 0 Iraqis.
Drop Bush not bombs.
I asked for universal health care and all I got was this lousy stealth bomber.
America's problems won't be solved in Iraq.
War is not a family value.
Colorfully dressed drag queen carrying a sign that says: "I am the bomb."
Picture of the peace symbol: back by popular demand.
A picture of Bush with a red-stained upper lip: Got blood?
A picture of Bush saying "Why should I care what the American people think? They didn't vote for me."
A picture of Bush saying "Ask me about my lobotomy."
Beneath a picture of a menacing soldier pointing his rifle/bayonet toward the viewer: Say it! One Nation under God. Say it!
What would Jesus bomb?
A village in Texas is missing its idiot!
*******
?
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." ?So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you ?tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
*** ?THE ?END ?***


thank you, thank you. you're a great crowd. i'll be here all week
*takes a bow, walks off stage*

[jn.loudnotes]

Nice all    Although kami, I'm not sure the Swedish joke translates to english that well. . .

I can't think right now. . .I'll add some myself a little later perhaps.

[alaric]

loud, the swedish joke translates fine and I must say it's damn funny. Essentially what the joke says is that Religion takes the fun out of life.

[kami]

Right on top of it alaric

[jn.loudnotes]

Oh.  Not  being religious myself, I guess I just took that part for granted. . .I've got to start getting more sleep. . .