Funny stuff

this was written by a friend of mine up here at college as a rant about Counter Strike. i thought it was just to funny and accurate about all FPS games to not pass along

Things That Irk me About Counter-Strike

1) People who die and start yelling "camper". Now is it just me, or does this seem to say "I can't hit a stationary target". I mean, let's face it, that is what most campers are. They sit there and shoot. Might as well be turrets for all they move. What these people are really saying is "I want to death match people, and this guy is trying to actually win the round. What a [insert appropriately immature and churlish invective]" to which my answer is usually "This isn't quake, so sod off".

2) People who constantly complain about the AWP. "That gun takes no skill to use, it's a total newb weapon, real players would use a [insert gun], etc." Ok, shall I start at the beginning? The AWP takes less skill than the scout, true, but if you aren't good with it, you can get yourself in a whole mess of trouble (as anyone who has had the rude experience of having some colt wielding boor assault their person at close range from a blind side can attest to). Generally speaking, these people have one of two problems. Either they are horrible snipers, in which case they feel that no one should be able to have such an [sarcasm] obviously unfair advantage over them [/sarcasm], or they are death matchers who want everything to occur in a large fragfest at close range. AWPers can be annoying when the entire opposition seems to have a fascination with the weapon, but a single AWPer is hardly a threat people. Flash and smoke grenades can even the odds or put them in your favor in many circumstances, and a rush by 2 or 3 people can often confuse a sniper enough to rush in close and finish them off. Generally, I have one piece of advice for these people when they complain about my use of the AWP, "Next time, try dodging and weaving a little, or a flash, as opposed to sitting down a hundred yards out and trying to get me by going full-auto with a mac-10."

3) 1337 5p34|<. Let me put the record straight for everyone, leet is ok in small doses only. It allows some variation and originality. Using H1t0k1r1 (My friends online name is Hitokiri) for my nick would be fine; it is readily readable, and not particularly important. However, typing out an entire sentence in leet is stupid. English is a perfectly fine language when it's not mangled beyond recognition (which I see too many people do online nowadays). I suggest learning it, as I will not be bothered to try to decode what you just said if I get something like "3'/3 /\/33|) 50/\/\3 |-|3|_p 8`/ 73|-| 80/\/\8". Languages are supposed to communicate thoughts and ideas, and 1337 does the job admirably. It conveys to me what a moron you are.

4) People with names like {[]\||==||||?<>`~~me~~`<>?||||==||/[]}. Now a little decoration is just fine, it helps to set you apart from every other hack out there that?s using the same handle as you because you couldn?t be little more original. And I understand clans wanting tags to ID them and as a sort of badge of honor, but too many people end up with drivel like that above. To them, I say congrats, you know that there are more symbols on the keyboard than the letters. Keep working and I?m sure you will graduate from kindergarten soon (I apologize any kindergarten students out there for lumping these people with them intellectually, as it is a libelous remark). I mean, really, it looks like you took an alternative font and mashed the keyboard with your palm (I suggest wingdings). Takes a lot of thought, I know: don?t strain yourself.

5) The mystery that are grenades. It seems that no matter what the circumstances of pulling a grenade out are, an opposing player will appear, possibly in a poof of smoke and with the slight smell of sulfur, with the express purpose of aerating my frontal lobe. It seems that anytime I decide to use a grenade to scatter opponents around a corner or down a hall, they pick that precise time to rush me. Not only will they rush, but I will immediately become target priority number one. There can be seven other goons with me, and yet every opponent that comes around the corner will immediately lock onto me. Do I look that imposing with a grenade in my hand? Of course, there is an upside to this. If we are having trouble finding the last opponent on a board, all I need to do is whip out a grenade and I?ll immediately be gunned down, revealing his position and allowing my teammates to finish him. Never seems to fail.

6) My ego. There is a direct mathematical relationship between my ego and the frequency that I get hit in the head. In other words, as my head swells, I start getting brain capped more often until it is perforated enough to allow it to deflate and regain its normal ?pin? size. In addition, it seems that my head also becomes denser as I do well. Inevitably, after a few good rounds, I?ll pull some stupid stunt that will get me and half the team killed. I live in fear of the day my head grows too large and dense and the gravitational pull exceeds that of which light can escape, thus forming a black hole and destroying the server (and probably ruining my game at the same time). I think this has come close to happening on several occasions, but luckily the gravitational pull seems to reach a point that anyone shooting in my general direction will have their rounds pulled towards my head strongly enough that they can hardly miss. Now if I can just work out the math for getting my teammate?s shots to orbit me in a spinning wall of death, things will be great.

7) Everyone else?s ego. Now don?t get me wrong, I say everyone, but it is only a select group that truly irks me. It?s the people that seem to think that every time they get killed, they were ?nubbed?, and every kill they make is proof of their obviously godlike playing abilities. Sometimes the people are good, but just as often I watch as they go something like 5-15, always with the phrase ?so many noobs here today?. Skillz speak for themselves. If you have them, you don?t need to flaunt them; if you need to flaunt them, you don?t have them. Still, these people obviously have some sort of deflation method for their heads that I am unaware of, as all of my calculations show that they should be massive enough to cause a rip in the space time continuum.

8) Dumb as rock hostages. These guys always seem to be playing for the other team. As a terrorist, they will be perfectly docile until a CT tries to get them out. Then, for reasons only known to the programmers at Valve, they become self sacrificing, altruistic hero?s whose only purpose is to step between me and the CT I am shooting at. They practically put the barrel of my gun into their mouths. Of course, they wait until the last possible second (i.e., I?ve already sent the neural impulse that will cause my finger to twitch and fire the weapon), so I immediately slaughter them. And if there are more than one, they line up with the express purpose of having you kill off enough to have you auto-kicked. As a CT, they now decide that they like being hostages. That is the only explanation I can think of for their seeming inability to navigate a flipping door. If this is the level of intelligence, it?s no wonder that the Black Mesa compound had issues. They would have been better off hiring packets of gravel or even 1337 5p34|<3|25 (ok, so the 1337 people are worse, but at least it would have been a boon to the species when they were killed in the resonance cascade).

9)    People screaming ?OMG, you CHEAT (hax, haxor, etc.)!!!!1!11!!||!!?. As a side note, one (1) exclamation point is enough. Anymore and you are obviously overexcited. I?d suggest leaving and taking a nap before you have a heart attack. Now, as to the people screaming Hax, I am routinely astonished, amazed and astounded by the vast multitude of people that have reached the pinnacle of skill in Counter-Strike. Lets go through the logic, shall we.

   Premise 1: I am godlike at counter-strike
   Premise 2: It is impossible to be better than me
   Premise 3: He seems to be better than me
   Conclusion: he cheats

   Now, where to begin? Personally, I?d suggest a beginning course in logic so they can see the flaws in this argument, but as I doubt that will happen (logic being a high school level course at least and they being somewhere around 2nd grade or so), allow me to rebut. You are not the best CS player out there, which is essentially what you are trying to claim when accusing others of hacking to beat you, and the fact I just shot you in the head yet again proves it.

10)   Crowding. This is the mystical way in which your allies will show up just when you least need them. No matter what my radar says or how devoid of life the surrounding areas seems to be, the moment an opponent decides to open up on me is coincidentally the exact time that six of my allies will decide to try to start a close personal relationship with me. Now it?s not that I don?t want support, but I can stand on my own without being braced on all sides. A little space please, it?s not too much to ask for.

11) Corners. Much like hand grenades, these things seem to have it out for me. I dread going around the corner of a building or wall. No matter how many teammates I?ve watched jovially traipse around it, the second I set toe over the threshold, the bowels of the netherworld (hehe, don?t want boss coming down on me) seem to open up and spew forth a plethora of enemies who?s sole purpose in life is to force enough ammunition into my carcass that a small mining operation could be developed over my grave. Doors are also suspect, and don?t get me started on what happens if I am foolish enough to round a corner with a grenade in my hand or while reloading.

12) Tactical Communications. Now the Tac. Comm.(Tac. Comm. is team voice communication built right into Counter Strike) Is great. It allows fast and easy communications between team members. However, it always seems to have one or two idiot on it. The first are the ones that just won?t keep quiet. They talk about anything and everything. No, I don?t care that your gerbils name is Hamster. Nor do I really care about how your day at school went, or your hot date, or any other personal items. This is not your live journal, go blog elsewhere please. The extreme of this end is the guys that want to play music over the tac. comm. If I want music I?ll turn on winamp and listen to something good, thank you very much. The second group are those that have configured their mics and everything they say comes across garbled. ?mmrglrmblrggr, on three? is usually what I hear. Now, what am I supposed to do here? I haven?t found how to mmrglrmblrggr yet. Is there a command I don?t know about in console that will let me mmrglrmblrggr? Is it some secret code that no one has seen fit to let me in on yet? Inevitably, no matter what I do someone gets pissed, and says ?MMRGLBLBLGRMRRMM? at me. For these people, all I have to say is ?that?s nice, next time try adjusting your mic so it doesn?t sound like Swahili.?

13) The player that is 20-3 and says ?I?m playing so badly today?. This is just plain insulting, as it insinuates that everyone else on the server is there for the purpose of dying, presumably to fan your already grotesquely proportioned ego. You are not your kill/death ratio. You are not your efficiency rating. You are not your ranking on the team, on the server, or for the round, and quite frankly, nobody really cares about you and your slump. Personally, I think Ivan should have fun with people like this. Kind of like an anger release for him (and I know this one is going to come back to bite me in the rear).

14) ?I was noobed?. Now first off, who wants to admit that they were killed by a player who you have just admitted is new to the game, and thus not very skilled. This is kind of like whining about campers, it only goes to show your lack of skill, especially when you do it every freaking round. Personally, I?d rather admit that the person who just rocked me is brilliant when it comes to this game. Makes me feel a little better in addition to not looking like a loser. May I suggest ?I was 13373|)?. Yeah, you?ll still look like a moron for using 1337, but at least you won?t be the moron who just got reamed up one side and down the other for the fifth time by the ?nub?, which is about all we can hope for from you.

15) The ability for the opposing team to know which way I?m going off the initial rush. Is there a big glowing neon sign a la Las Vegas above my head that says ?EASY KILL HERE!?? No matter what I do, I always seem to run head long into the main forces of the opposing team, usually with only a single teammate backing me up, who seems more interested in making sure his boot laces in the game are tied so that he won?t trip over them (which, judging by the way he handles the role of backup, may actually be a problem for him) than in providing cover for me. I can stand in the spawn point and will still be the first on my team to be gunned down. You know what, no matter what I seem to do, the opposing team seems to know where I am at all times. As often as I seem to give people free kills, I wish they would return the favor. Mighty rude of them, if you ask me, to keep taking advantage of my generosity in allowing them to gun me down with such ease without giving me a bone now and again.