*DAMN R6
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| The Art of Assing by Ace 28.10.2001
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The art of “assing” is an integral part of the General Gossip forums. First, let me give you a quick primer on the vocabulary:
Dumbass - Your run of the mill idiot who doesn't realize his idiocy. Often claims to be extremely intelligent with proclamations such as "OMG IM SO SMRT!"
Ass - Highly trained professional equipped with a keen wit and unafraid to publicly humiliate a dumbass completely.
These two terms can seem similar at first, but there is an enormous difference. Fail to notice this difference and you are liable to become one of the former.
Assing serves many purposes. First and foremost, assing humiliates dumbasses. Second, assing helps to regulate the forums. Also, assing is a way to show off for those who have mastered it.
Assing as it’s known today originated in the forums back in May. When GameRanger went down temporarily, many bitter, Evill-hating users came on the forums to bitch and moan. I found my true calling: mocking those who made the mistake of showing their stupidity in public. SilentButDeadly was the first to notice this and crowned me with the title of “Ass.” He said, “Ace; u seem like an ass but ur funny as hell!! (no offence)”
Since then, assing has grown immensely. I took on the title of Resident Ass. Many other people have attempted to ass, but only two have truly succeeded: blackhand and GRIFT. The three of us form the holy trinity of forum asses so to speak. Make a slip up on the forums, and you can pretty much guarantee that one of us will jump in with a timely mock. Like it or not, the asses run the forums, and we know it. That’s part of being an ass. You got to be confident in your abilities; there is no room for the weak. If you feel weak-kneed, I’m sure the dumbasses would gladly accept you into their crowd.
Now for all you wannabe asses, this is a perfect time for me to demonstrate how the forums offer many different options for assing.
*DAMN JaggedEdge wrote, “ACE UR AN ASS STFU!!!!!!!!!!!”
The newbie ass will invariably attack the simplistic nature of the dumbass' post. Generally, keywords such as "ur" and "stfu" are a sign of weakness. Another indicator is the use of all caps. This is a good foray to get your feet we in the art of assing. However, you should attempt to graduate from these as quickly as possible. (Even innovative twists on this, such as RSC and RGC, will lose their originality and fade faster than Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. However, this is usually not the fault of the original ass, but the knockoffs who can't ass on their own yet and try to follow suit)
Another slightly more advanced mock for a post such as this would be to attack the fact than any 2 year old with Downs syndrome could easily point out the same fact. Not a bad mock if you are in a rush or still getting a hang of things, but do these too often and you will lose all credibility as a technically proficient ass.
*Stops to have a sip of Coke*
"Coke, the official sponsor of Resident Asses everywhere"
Now a well-trained veteran ass will usually bypass the said options almost instinctively. Yet this does not mean that assing comes easily. It still takes time, thought, and effort, especially when the post is as short as the one said above. In cases like this, it is often helpful to use the post as an illustration of the subject's overall dumbass behavior. So in this situation, a proper response might be something along the lines of "Unlike you Jagged, my ass always remains shut (the fuck up) from outside intrusions. Have you been hanging around Rom too much lately?" or "Gee Jagged, I guess your other well-constructed remarks I have been seeing lately obviously left you intellectually drained on this one." These are mid-level mocks, but by no means of the highest quality for someone of GRIFT’s, blackhand’s, or my standards.
Now my personal favorite for an advanced mock involves alluding to a piece of literature, historical event, or current event that will:
A) Amuse those who get the joke.
and
B) Confound the dumbass to the point where he isn't even sure if he is being mocked.
So after a little thought, a well structured mock here might be something like "Jagged, your post epitomizes your stupidity just as the Maginot Line stood as a symbol of France's military ineptitude: worthless and obviously the least efficient use of the human mind seen in a long time."
I leave you with some final tips:
1) Do not make an attempt to ass until you have seen a fair share of properly executed mocks. Foolish bravery has been the downfall of many before you.
2) Pick an easy target first. With a subject such as JaggedEdge, you have no real fear of your mock being analyzed and picked apart. With time, you can move on to dumbasses with at least a slight ability to defend themself, such as Rom
3) Have fun. Assing is a sport almost. And with every sport, after a victory, take some time to sit back and admire your efforts.
- I would like to give credit to Wrath and GRIFT for adding a few revisions I missed originally
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© by *DAMN Mauti a.k.a Clemens Mautner Markhof, Salzgries 17/11, 1010 Vienna, Austria; Phone: +43-676-6158786; Thanks to PlanetRainbowSix a division of Game Spy Networks for hosting and supporting us. All rights reserved.
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